What Happens When I'm Left To My Own Devices

" ... I get tongue-tied.
My mind goes ... blank.
Then I spend all night tossing
and turning trying to think
of what I should have said."

It's not that I have a thing for younger men, it's just that when you get to the top, only the youngest are left.

And I really don't. It's not a thing when there's only one.

And he's not that young.

And he is a philosophy major, at least he was one? Or did he just change? I can't remember.

"Abigail, should you really be getting involved with guys who are still changing their major?" Lauren asked.

We're not involved.

The first time we talked I made jokes, he laughed, he said philosophical things, I said obscure things that weren't philosophical and yet seemed to fool him, and then he said, "I really love talking to you. We should do this again sometime."

And sometime never came.

Never.

I saw him again a few weeks later. We did the same dance. I did the laugh, you know, that laugh.

Nothing.

Nothing except a "how are you doing, really?"

We parted ways, I was resigned to the fact that he was one those guys. That's fine, I said, I can totally be one of those girls. Insert the laugh.

Well, tonight, he comes up to me with a new level of awkwardness. This isn't the usual conversation.

"Are you living life well?" he asked. What? What does that even mean?

And then, AND THEN, he asks, "is there anything you want to tell me?" Now, this isn't like third grade where you know, he heard from his friend who heard from my friend that I think he's cute. This is like, you know, I'm supposed to tell him ... ?

Now if I was really at the top, I would have said something brilliant like, "well, yeah, when are you going to ask for my number?" but I'm not at the top and I'm not brilliant.