IRSuicide

"Hey Abs, this came today, I had to sign for it. FYI."

This happened to be certified mail. Certified mail from the IRS.

Their letters aren't that mean. They say things like, "please call us right away to rectify," and "even if you are unable to pay, we can set up a payment plan," and "please check to make sure this is correct and not our error."

All those nice things are just tricks, tricks I tell you, to lure us delinquents into calling them.

"Hi, yes, I received a letter. I can't pay you."

"Well why not?"

"I don't have any money."

"Well why not?"

"Excuse me?"

"Why didn't you know you had to pay taxes?"

"Because I've never paid them before."

"How is that possible?"

At this point I'm starting to wonder how much scolding is allowed within IRS jurisdiction. I try to divert the conversation back to the actual purpose.

"I'd like to set up a payment plan to pay the balance for my 2004 taxes."

"What about your 2005 taxes?"

"Uh, 2005 isn't over yet?"

"Well, how are you going to pay them? You didn't pay 2004!"

"I didn't know about my 2004 taxes until it was too late!"

"How is that possible?"

"Can I please set up a payment plan--"

"Ma'am, you need to talk to your employer about your 2005 taxes. They MUST be paid!"

At this point, tears streaming down my face, I hung up.

That was three weeks ago. It took me 6 weeks to call them after the first notice, I don't know when they thought I would call again. I guess that's why they sent the certified mail.

The envelope is thrice as thick as the last and a peek in showed a "What You Should Know About the IRS Collections Process" guide book. Apparently, they figured out that what they should know is that I deal strictly with paper and the internet, none of this telephone crap.

And by deal with paper, I mean put it in a pile on my desk.

And by my desk I mean the place under all the Important Papers.

And by Important Papers I mean these things that places keep sending me that have things like "Collections" written all over them.

Do I sound desperate yet?

Will someone please organize my life?

Hello?

Anyone?

I can't really breath under all this paper.