People always ask what I'm going to name my children. Once upon a time, when I was in high school, I knew. I had a list fourty strong of names, first and last, that I liked. There was Mandy Grace and Craig Porter and Patrick Shelton and Merrine Elena. There were names I created, names I would never actually use, and names of people I once loved. When people asked me I would pull out the list. People didn't like Faith Child. They said Child isn't a name. They also said that Darren Alexander would get beat up and that Aden Luke would be embarassed. People wouldn't know how to spell Sanna Rose's name.

I put that list away some time ago. I'm not sure at what point I realized it hadn't been part of my life any more but as soon as I made that realization I was sure in it. That list is part of me that plans weddings and dreams of princes and doesn't live in the present. Its part of me that makes lists of everything there is to do and everything there is to write and everyone there is to love. I make schedules that include chat time. I triple think whenever I talk. What was just said, what I am saying, what I will say next. What just happened. What is happening. What will happen next.

And how will I control it.

So the list is on the shelf next to Plato and the College Surival Book. And on the desk is the book titled "Thoughts" full of my musings and secrets and stories. And next to it is a black pen which I will not pick up. Because I will not triple think this time.

Bad things happen whenever I get really tired. I start to realize the worst things about me and all my fears become heightened. I ache for my friends and lonely for some heaven home all over again.

For the past two weeks now I've missed my dad. I miss him calling me on his lunch break and listening to him order McDonald's when I tell him about my day. I miss him telling me about someday when he will have the house of our dreams. I miss him wanting to hurt every person who hurts me. And it hurts so much now that he has hurt me more than anyone else ever has.

And they say that God is in charge. Meanwhile, I doubt everything about me and everyone who says they love me. Life hurts.