Name: Abigail M. Schilling
My Life Is Wasting Away or Reason #529 Why Broadcast Journalism Isn't Real Journalism
Last night, after the disappointment that was learning there was no new America's Next Top Model we made the mistake of leaving the TV on. It was the tail end of the 10 o'clock news and sitcom reruns were about to commence when all of a sudden Lauren "My Second Job is Stripping" Sanchez announced BREAKING NEWS.
There was a police chase in San Pedro. They cut to Kevin in Newscopter 13.
"Lauren, the suspect, as you can see, is driving a silver Mercedes. He is going about 5 miles an hour and has been circling this six-block area for the last 15 minutes."
Now, this wasn't just any silver Mercedes. It was tricked out. All the windows tinted black and rims so big and so sparklin' ("I think those rims are what the kids call bling bling," Kevin reported) that even after police had popped all the tires THE SUSPECT WAS STILL ABLE TO DRIVE. Kevin informed us that the suspect could "drive on metal for hours."
The suspect had originally attracted police attention when another drive reported his reckless driving. Whether this reckless driving was different from his low-speed antics was unclear. Regardless, he didn't pull over and allegedly threw "drug paraphernalia" from the (barely) movie vehicle.
A hospital was in the six-block area and was put under lock down. "That means no one can get in and no one can get out." Thank you, Lauren.
My readers now know all the information that Lauren, her sidekick Mark, and Kevin knew. And yet THEY KEPT TALKING.
What's worse is WE KEPT WATCHING.
Lauren kept saying over and over again, "You just don't know ..." and she would follow this with her theories.
"Maybe this is his third strike and he's enjoying himself for one last time before he gets locked up for a while."
"Maybe there is someone in the hospital he is working with or waiting for."
"Maybe he thinks he's going a lot faster."
"Maybe he's getting read to just take off."
"He's clearly confused, doesn't know which way to turn. You just don't know."
Really, Lauren, REALLY?
As the chase continued she started to get all worked up. Kevin wasn't provided any new information and the suspect was still a-driving.
The California Highway Patrol had declined to get involved and the local police weren't trained on the pit maneuver.
Lauren popped.
"I am just so frustrated! These are tax payer dollars! What is he doing?!?!?" She was yelling a little bit.
Mark, being dedicated to fair-and-balanced reporting stepped in with the "you never know" speech and Lauren actually said ON THE AIR "Please don't yell at me!!"
Finally, after an hour the suspect cooperated. I will never get that hour back.
posted by Abigail at 9:16 PM
8 Comments:
P.S. If you didn't click the Lauren Sanchez link, click it.
I clicked it.
Twice.
News is just sad these days. But, I can't talk about that now. I have to click that link again.
Hello, Abigail.
secret word: buukrr (a libriarian prostitute)
how can you be watching California chase scenes where you are.
Where are you anyway?
secret word: rlivmcd (real live Micky D's - as opposed to read dead Micky D's)
From the Lauren fan site:
"You have to wonder, how long can the news world contain her? How long before someone plucks her away from her news job to give her a shot at her own show or a movie?"
How long before she has to resign because the secret sex tape surfaces?
yumbddm--Lauren's stripper name
Those crazy kids and their bling. Lauren Sanchez looks like Catherine Zeta-Jones. I expected the T-Moblie Jingle to accompany that picture.
nicely done on the wikipedia links. I just spent half an hour from the first link of PIT maneuver --> police techniques --> less-lethal weapons --> pepperball gun??(!!) --> back to less-lethal
--> and then i found the gay-bomb and my life was complete. ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gay_bomb )
I wish I wish I wish I had seen that on TV.
Nor Cal doesn't have car chases, we have 16-year-old boys stabbing a woman with a piece of moulding from a construction site. Oh yeah, and carving his initials, gothic style, in her back with said weapons.
Ah, Oakland. How I love thee.
beuiir -- an inquisitive siren, and no, I don't mean Lauren Sanchez.
Post a Comment
<< Home