I am sick today. My throat hurts, my head is heavy, and my heart aches. It all seems to fit together quite well actually. I can't slow it down and as I see the end of the semester approaching I fear a roller coaster mishap with casualties.

I had a brilliant conversation with my mother today. She is trying her new technique of being more selfless (something I continue to encourage myself to try) and I finally allowed her to see some of the insides of me. We talked about why I was attracted to the kinds of people I am attracted to, how I got the friends I have, and how much God has protected me. She sees so much of herself in me and is so happy that I'm learning from mistakes so early on. I wonder how she lived life so long in such a crazy world without being changed.

We talked about how I "can't seperate any of it" as a dear friend of mine put it several months ago. My mom said, "once I was vain enough to think I could change someone." Its so very true.

But it hurts. It hurts to remember that everything really is meaningless. I am constantly trying to leave that vain self and become a vessel. Life apart from God does not even seem to be option for this fallen world. I only pray that He will continue His work in me.

And heal me in all ways.

I'm in one of those depressed "I don't have anyone" moods. This is, of course, most likely caused by the fact that I have a 10 page paper due on Monday and I'm on page five. As a sit here, trying to make myself care about the character development in Shakespeare's Macbeth (secretly hoping that the paper will actually end up being about the relationship between the writer and the reader), I think about all sorts of things. I think about last night and being with my dear friends who found love one year ago. It scares me how much they've learned because of their relationship. I feel so behind, like I got held back a grade or something. Me and her, we used to have the same unknowns, the same fears, the same wants. Now, I feel like I almost don't know them. I feel like they're my parents' friends that discuss what kind of refridgerator to buy and what time to go to church in the morning.

It is cold at my desk. The sun hasn't come out in days and I'm starting to believe in that weather disease where people actually get clinically depressed in the winter. Southern California is now worthless. Its hard to write about something you don't care about when your fingers are freezing off. Its hard to write about something you don't care about period.

Someone I know was recently employed by Starbucks Co. In training they teach new employees about the third place. The first place is home, the second place is work, and the third place is... Starbucks. Or at least thats their goal. The third place is your haven, your peaceful place. His first place is MolcaSalsa. I've been wondering what my third place is and I have discovered that I have two. The fitness center and the Chimes office. Yesterday, both of those places were infringed on. It made me more bitter than most things usually do. Third places are really important.