I am in a really bad place right now. Many years ago I went to see Harriet the Spy, the first full length wide release Nickelodeon film, in Vernon Hills with my best friend Anna and her mom. Afterwards, we went to the Rainforest Cafe (it was my first time) to "discuss" the film. Mrs. Kueck wanted to make sure that we didn't become corrupt from being exposed to non-Christian culture. I hardly remember the film. The experience is vivid though.
In junior high some kids I knew called me Harriet the Spy. This nickname carried negative connotations and it embarassed me. Harriet kept a diary of everything that happened. In vague memory, what she really did was write her thoughts down. She said who she was mad at, what flaws she hated, why she didn't like walking back home with so-and-so. Harriet lost all her friends. I'm sure in the end everything was better but I can't remember that part.

I don't want to be Harriet the Spy. But right now I'm in a place where I dislike just about everyone. Even those closest to me are annoying me. And I want to write it all down. I want to say, "I hate it when he does this..." and "He just makes me so frustrated." But I haven't written it down and I haven't told anyone. I just sit and seethe.

What will make it go away? I feel like maybe if I watched some tv or read a mindless book I would feel better. But I also think that even if I wasted my time like that, it would all return shortly after.

I spoke with Anna on the phone last night. I told her about everything and she said that I needed to come and hang out with her and she would set everything straight. Thankfully, in less than a week, I will be home.

In conversation tonight he told me about the time in England when he was by himself and I commented that that was very "adult." He was flattered, mostly feeling young himself and rather silly a majority of the time, he said. And I wonder, when do we beomce "adult"? When do all the trips to England and cooking for ourselves and maybe paying an electricity bill--when does all that equal "adult"? There were times two years ago when I felt adult. They are many times now when I still feel silly. And I think I may never be adult. I may just have the experiences and even live the life. I found pleasure in buying jelly beans and balloons today. I also did my own laundry and thought mean thoughts about an old lady who helps to make life miserable. I told my brother how to drive the car without tipping it over and fought with financial aid over loans. Its all a string of events. And I'm not brilliant or clever and sometimes I'm even silly.

I used to hate movies. I wouldn't watch them for anything. I've slowly been conditioned away. While I still am incredible picky about anything I watch, I have found myself watching movies more and more often. The sad thing is, I no longer think about movies.

Tonight I sat in a theatre for almost two hours watching a story of a boy and two old men. I cried for about half of it. Thats a long time to be emoting. At the end of the movie we walked out and that was that. Since then I've been several places, had several conversations and not once did I think about the movie. I feel like this is a bad sign. Like I'm becoming desensitized or heartless or something.