I am sick today. My throat hurts, my head is heavy, and my heart aches. It all seems to fit together quite well actually. I can't slow it down and as I see the end of the semester approaching I fear a roller coaster mishap with casualties.
I had a brilliant conversation with my mother today. She is trying her new technique of being more selfless (something I continue to encourage myself to try) and I finally allowed her to see some of the insides of me. We talked about why I was attracted to the kinds of people I am attracted to, how I got the friends I have, and how much God has protected me. She sees so much of herself in me and is so happy that I'm learning from mistakes so early on. I wonder how she lived life so long in such a crazy world without being changed.
We talked about how I "can't seperate any of it" as a dear friend of mine put it several months ago. My mom said, "once I was vain enough to think I could change someone." Its so very true.
But it hurts. It hurts to remember that everything really is meaningless. I am constantly trying to leave that vain self and become a vessel. Life apart from God does not even seem to be option for this fallen world. I only pray that He will continue His work in me.
And heal me in all ways.